Scratching

I feel as though I’m only scratching at the surface. For having been on a pagan/witchy path for so long, I feel like I’ve gotten almost nowhere. I will say, I am definitely not the fluffy witch I once was, I feel more informed, more aware of the depth that is spirituality. I do realize I am still young, that I haven’t exactly experienced an incredible amount of life yet, therefore have not gained much in the way of insight and wisdom. I also realize that at this moment in time, I am going to school for music, which takes up basically all of my time, energy, and focus. Though I often think of incorporating little daily practices into my life, I suffer from all or nothing syndrome, it’s gotta be big and all out or it’s going to be nothing at all. I feel as though the biggest hindrance is my perception that my practice has to be a certain way, that it has to be grand and elaborate, and I must get all these fabulous items that cost a fortune.
I understand that this may make it seem as though I’m all about the material, tangible things, and perhaps I am, I am a Taurus after all! I feel like I really need to realize that right now, at this point in my life, my focus will be on music, that my studies and practice in my spirituality will only go so deep. Perhaps to truly delve into this, I need to wait until my other personal wells are dug, that it will all progress gradually when the time is right for me. It might be that once I am completely immersed in music, when I am making a living of it and living the music that I can also achieve a deeper connection to my spiritual path; more and more, I believe for me, they are connected.
I also feel as though I am lazy… or perhaps, afraid to get in too deep. Again, the all or nothing comes in. I shelter myself in my laziness I suppose, from really achieving anything, or failing at anything. Sigh. It’s something to work through, to work with, and conquer.

The Spiritual In Music

Last night, I went to the opera. I’ve been having a bit of a hard time with what I want to do with music. I’ve always known exactly what I wanted to do with singing, first it was being a famous pop star (yes, indeed, I was young once, lol), then I wanted to star in musicals, and then it finally progressed into wanting to be an opera singer. I think the realization that there wasn’t a huge challenge with popular songs led me to the most difficult form of singing. Now, you may ask, “but what does this have to do with spirituality?”, well I shall tell you!

Like I said, I’ve been having a bit of a crisis with the one thing that’s always been so solid in my life. I wasn’t sure whether or not the Man and I were going to go last night, and after talking to my private lesson teacher, I just wanted to sleep. She talked to me about getting into opera, and that I may find that I’d like to do something else behind the scenes (which I took as, “she doesn’t think I’ve got what it takes” type thing. With being so tired and flustered from school, things just kept going slowly downward.

So we arrive downtown Vancouver to go to the Queen Elizabeth Theatre, we go inside, and it is quite a lovely place. I’m getting more excited as we wait to take our seats. After waiting, then being seated, then waiting for the conductor to finish talking to the orchestra on a last few points (it was the last rehearsal), it began. With the first few notes sung, I was almost in tears and nothing emotional had happened yet.  Then the first point that the whole chorus came on stage and a few tears slipped. I was just so overwhelmed with the feeling that “I’m home, and this is what it’s about, this is why I am doing what I am doing.”

So where does the spiritual enter here? For me, music is such an ultimate form of expression, it’s one of the very few things that gets me so incredibly passionate and free. While on stage, I feel so connected to myself, and in turn, I feel connected through my feet to the earth below the wood and concrete, and through my voice, to the Gods. In expressing the emotions and singing the melodies, I feel like I am on a completely different plane where I am surrounded by this wonderful feeling. There’s no other way for me to explain other than that I feel that I am channeling this amazing spiritual energy.

Music has always been a huge part of spirituality and religions, my favourite part of church as a child was the singing. I didn’t care that the words meant little to me, I could stand there and let my voice ring out, and hear all the voices, some beautiful, some a little tone deaf, come together to create music together as one.