Now I’m singing “Emotion” in my mind. One of the first songs I found out I have a pretty high range in 🙂
But to the point of this post! Emotion is probably the larger part of the foundation of my magick. Funny thing is that in my everyday life, when shit gets real and dramatic, I usually remain quite detached from what emotions end up coming up from those around me. Even with my family, I seem to have become the one who remains calm in any given situation. The only time I get emotional is when some sort of injustice happens, then I get pissed.
I think perhaps part of me not getting overly emotional is for the most part, I know I cannot control anyone but myself. I cannot make another person or being do anything they don’t want to do. So that means I always factor in being disappointed/annoyed/frustrated/etc. into anything other people do that may involve me (in an immediate or not so immediate way); and with this, I factor in knowing that I can’t really do much about it, so it’s not worth my time to worry over. This is probably why oftentimes I don’t ask for help. I am pretty capable of doing most everything I need done, I pick up skills quickly so even if I have asked someone for something, and they don’t do it in time, I just end up doing it myself.
Again, this is just part of me knowing I cannot control what anyone else does. It’s less of a “people are largely unreliable”, and more of a “if I am capable of doing it, I know I will get it done, and do it the way I want it done”.
But that’s getting a little tangential.
There is a flipside to this, however. I am really easily and heavily affected by media of all sorts. Films, music, art, dance, literature, and yes, video games (which is to me, just highly interactive art). I feel all of that acutely, and it can and does lift me up or fuck me up. I have to be very choosy of what I consume, and it’s become increasingly important for me to surround myself with beautiful/proper mind frame inducing things (hello, Taurus!), and is a large part of my being on Tumblr now too (I follow a lot of people who put up delicious images).
This is also why I choose romance, or sweeping fantasies instead of grittier real-world things. Or, I suppose the things I watch/read have to have an otherworldly taste to it if it is grittier and emotionally messy for me to think, well, this is just a book, it’s just a story. Though really, that doesn’t always work.
So how does this all factor into my magick? Strangely enough, when I feel that well of emotion boiling under the surface, that is when I decide something needs to be done. This could be from situations that have been left to turn rotten for too long, or this could be from those in-the-moment surges. Perhaps this is why I’ve always said that regular ritual isn’t my thing, my power heavily relies upon the emotion being within me to do something with.
And this is where having those things around me that evoke those emotions, and therefore the power in them, has become important. As much as I always want to be reading non-fiction, studying things concerning my spirituality or things I’m interested in, I really need all the arts on a consistent basis in my life in order to access my power. Since I don’t sing much at this point (which had always been a very good way of accessing my power), it’s important to have consistent and regular sources for me to find that.
This means that reading and finding inspiring shows and movies, as well as music and beautiful things to look at is important. It is a constant endeavour, and one that I am happy to do.
A piece of music for today, and with it some information about this God, for those of us who don’t know much about Him (myself included).
Manannan by Manx.
Just to mark this down to remember it, to let it sink in. Something that has been Said over and over to me when I ask whatever it is I “should” be doing….
That’s it. There’s nothing else other than encouragement for the things I already pursue, and pursue them with the knowledge that the Gods want to be read about, heard about, Their stories made to inspire weather in story or song, to become more and more prevalent in the world. Otherwise, whatever I’m doing now is where I’m supposed to be.
I have a terrible habit of trying to overachieve (only in the things I really love), however in the past couple of years, that has been a hard thing to do, especially when it involves other human people. I often say I would do something, only to not do it. There is usually one big reason why things don’t happen. Home. That is where I usually always want to be, wherever it may be. And when I go out, I don’t want many people around me. Looking in, judging, offering unsolicited comments or advice. That is reserved for people I love.
It has also occurred to me that in not doing things I said I would do, I needed to say no to the things I am just no longer comfortable doing. Sometimes I think I’m selfish, however, I remember that despite making myself unavailable to a large amount of people, doing things that make me anxious or uncomfortable, I am still very much there for the few people I choose to be there for. There are a few I have lost touch with a bit, not of my own will, but sometimes life just happens and things are harder to do from far away than they are when you’re minutes away. That given, I would also still do what I need to for them even with the distance.
It seems very strange to me now that I wanted to be famous (though I think we all do when we are young). I love being onstage, even to this day I would have no problem going up. I would just rather skip all the small talk afterwards. At least with working with other musicians, we can really talk about the nitty gritty of the music, of our parts. But people in general, acquaintances, just don’t interest me.
I’m a hermit, and that’s ok for now until it changes. Everything changes. I’m pursuing creative things, and really, most artists (of any sort) are reclusive. How could we produce things if we weren’t?
So here it is, Mia, you’re allowed to just be. Not only because you’ve been Told, but because it is normal. You are doing enough. You have planned enough to be busy for a good while. You are just gathering your resources to do what you have planned, and actually, things are already in motion. And sometimes, though you hate the uncertainty of things, and the not doing of things, you just need to take the time to reflect, to soak in what has happened, and allow things to move forward naturally. So just be.
I have been mulling over what this lack of music in my life the past few years has meant. As you can imagine, first there was much frustration, feeling of failure, floundering in the “what the hell am I doing with my life” thoughts.
But now I’ve come to a place where I understand this is just a pause. A breather from all the work I’ve put in so far, and while right now, it feels like it has been such a long time, in the grander picture of a whole life and all the years I’ve spent perfecting my craft, it’s not very long at all.
I keep thinking that this is just a good night’s rest after a very long day. Yes, a day of much happiness, and near the end, quite a bit of frustration and some anger, but a long day of hard work. Now it’s just time for rest. I feel as though the pause may be coming to an end as I am feeling more and more a pull growing to get back to my work. However, the pull is not enough to wake me up yet.
And that’s ok.
Just as we experience fallow times needed for rest within our magical/spiritual practices, we experience it everywhere else within our lives. Everything cycles, and I have finally come to a resting period in a 21 year musical journey.
I have a feeling that whilst the music has had a pause, and my spirituality has evolved quite a bit in that time, when I find my voice again, the two will be heavily intertwined. Whether that means I am writing inspired pieces, or searching for operas heavily influenced by the Gods and Their stories, who knows. I am just allowing myself to be open to anything that comes in to move me.
As much as this pause has brought me frustration and anger at myself before coming to the conclusions I write about here, I have learned the hard lesson of allowing myself needed rest. Allowing myself to accept that I cannot possibly be working at this for every single moment. So I remain in this pause with more appreciation of it now, enjoying the rest, and beginning to look forward to the day when I begin singing again in earnest.
*This post and these thoughts have been quite influenced by Anni’s Greystone Path course. I am so very grateful for what it has brought to me, the realizations and discoveries of myself so far.
This is why we search, why we struggle, why we (sometimes) leave what others have told us is the right way, to sometimes push those people away. There is a longing, and it brings us to a journey that not many will understand. We need to connect with the divine, to know the Gods, however we see them, to know the spirits of all the things that surround us.
I’m writing this because I recognize after all this time on my path, I still long, I still yearn for a life ever more so entwined with the divine, to live an enchanted life. It hasn’t waned at all over the years, in fact, each day it grows stronger. This burning desire pushes me forward, has kept my mind day in and day out ever on the fact that all of this life I am living is touched and woven with magic, with love, with Gods and Spirits; nothing is devoid of the spiritual, though we try really hard to drown it out with constant visual and audio distraction.
Each day I try to think of all the ways in which I could be strengthening this or that connection, and yet… and yet I keep being told that it all lies within my voice, within music for me.
Perhaps it is this terrible consumer culture I’ve grown up in that keeps leading me to want to have all the tools (more on the spiritual side than the physical, tangible tools), but I’ve spent basically my whole life honing this voice. That is my tool. I understand sometimes we need to step back, and for the last while, I really needed to. Now, there’s such a push, and each time I sing, each time I create a song or a chant, I am brought closer to Them. It reignites my longing over and over for the Divine.
The man and I just picked up our one speed cruiser bikes yesterday. I’ve been out once today and I believe I’ll be going out with him tonight before he goes to work. I’ve named her Mona… although her name just came to me 🙂 I’m thinking she needs a bigger basket on the front end, and I shall be seeing about a basket for the back.
I wanted to go for a long ride yesterday, but there were a lot of people on the trail, and my muscles needed a little while to get used to it. We also picked up one of those non-powered lawn mowers for between the garden plots. Let me say, that although I had to get down and hand prune some of the bigger, thicker “weeds”, it looks much better now!
So today, at lunch, I took Mona out for a ride. I didn’t expect to take any pictures, but I needed to when I got in there. It smells divine on this trail, so very sweet with flowers in some areas, then you can smell the river, and marshy, algae filled areas. It’s so very loud with birds now. Yesterday, a sweet rabbit didn’t want to leave the path until I got rather close (of course I went slowly).
This is past the bridge for the road that runs over the trail, where it starts getting much more wild.
The Saugeen River, with its brownish water. Don’t worry, it’s quite safe, much tubing down the river to be done in the summer. Although, not sure how warm it will be since this past winter was so terribly cold.
This is the section of the path near the end that I like to call the Sun Path. As you can see, there isn’t enough growing on either side of the path for much shade to be given as there is farmland. I thank Sunna for her warm light as the breeze passes by me. That’s the nice thing about biking, it may not be breezy out, but you can make your own if you keep on peddling.
The rolling hills of Southwestern Ontario.
These beautiful birch trees sang to me on my way back home. Then I realized I should be singing too. A song of greeting to the forest land came to me, and I sang it a few times on the way home. Perhaps with all these songs coming to me, I should be getting them recorded. It seems things always come back to that, but I am being truly inspired by being out and about, as they say. (I am Canadian, you know, it works well for me 😉 ).
This morning, I luckily got out in time before a downpour to check on my garden. I had noticed yesterday that there were seedlings above the soil, but it was much too humid and hot to bother with staying in the direct sunlight to take pictures. This morning, after off and on downpouring yesterday, and rain through the night, it was much more pleasant to walk around in the sun to check on things. I guess I won’t be needing to do much watering for a little while.
As I was walking around a few days ago, I noticed at the back of our property, just behind the fence that houses a swampy area beyond it, there is a grapevine happily growing away, attaching itself to the fence and the pine tree that stands behind it. I was shocked for a moment, as I have been thinking of grape growing, but didn’t know how it would do in my climate, and there it was, just doing its own thing all by itself. I’m thinking I may harvest some leaves for dolmades at some point. Yum. We’ll also have to wait to see how the grapes turn out. I wouldn’t mind using them for food, but would love to make some wine if I think the grapes would make a decent one.
This cattail stood the test of this long, frigid winter and hangs out, wafting in the winds. I wonder if the fibers have been used to make yarn before? Must Google.
This lovely, red branched bush is producing flowers, it looks like they will become berries later in the year. Before we moved out west, these bushes had not been on the property, so it’s a new addition, as well as some ferns that have made their way to the fence.
These beans are coming up quite well. There’s a strange uncertainty that happens when you plant all your seeds, and then there’s nothing left but to water and wait for them to turn into seedlings. I thought a lot about the seeds not producing anything, that all my planning and hard work digging out the plots would all be for naught. It might yet be for naught if some freak weather happens, or some pest or animal comes in and makes a meal of my young plants. Alas, only time will tell.
These willows are providing much for me this year. I’ve always had an extreme fondness of Weeping Willows, they were one of my most favouritest trees to climb when I was a child, and now they quietly watch as I putter in the garden. I tell them my secrets.
This is the delicious Swiss chard coming up. I decided I wanted colourful veggies, and so I picked out Rainbow Swiss Chard, along with some rainbow mixed carrots. Next year, I want purple cauliflower.
My potatoes are finally starting to show their sprouts above the dirt. The red more than the Yukon Gold at this point, but I am excited.
This flower, which loves growing around here as I see it on the hiking trails all summer long, has graced one of my garden paths since we can’t get the ride-on mower in there. We’re planning on getting a non-powered push mower with a basket on the back to do the paths and a very steep hill that I’m thinking may eventually house some flowers.
This rhubarb slowed for a while after I planted it in ground, now more leaves are starting to pop up, so I’m quite excited for rhubarb pies!
The onions just kind of shot up over night two nights ago. One day, there were a few little spikes of green coming out of the soil, maybe half an inch long, now there are many, even up to three inches above the soil.
I’m singing blessings to my seedlings each night as I water them. It puts me in a trance, and then I just hum the tune as it now holds the power of the words to be sung with it. So far, the land seems to be happy with my endeavours, and I’m making fairly regular offerings.
It is so incredibly good to have dirt beneath my finger nails and staining the bottoms of my feet again. Playing in dirt releases chemicals that makes you kind of high, and rightfully so.
Well, it’s been a while, and things have happened, because that’s what things do, they happen 😉 The Man and I have moved back to Ontario with the fur babies last week (end of January). This past year had been so stuck for me, and while I want to be close to my witchy family, I was only putting off what needed to happen for me, I think. With the whole opera career coming to an end (at least a traditional career in it anyway), and all the moseying about with what to do with myself while also dealing with wanting to start a family… yep. Having a family so far away from my own was not an option as my mother would probably fly out and kidnap my kids (this is probably what would happen too, lol), and knowing that I was going to be moving back sometime soon, everything just stopped.
It’s rather bizarre for someone like me, who has known what they wanted to do for most of their life, being driven by it, and all decisions affected by it, to lose what was the biggest part of how I envisioned my life. Again, I think the singing will turn into something non-traditional as I want deep roots, and not a crazy amount of travel all the time that would make it impossible for me to really be with family and friends and be a good parent. It’s also rather confusing now as I realize there are so many things that I can do, like writing stories (which I will be flushing out the one I wrote for NaNoWriMo in November), having our YouTube channel, getting into streaming gameplay attached to our YouTube stuff, and so many other things. It’s so strange not having everything be about basically one thing. Now everything is connected, everything flows into the others, and I guess I’m allowing myself out of a rather small box. We humans, we like our boxes.
Magically, I’ve been all over the place. I’ve had quite the year really delving into meditation (a practice I thought I was beyond, but turned out to be so important for me ), being called upon by Them to learn, to see that nothing is separate from anything else, that we are all connected to Those Who Were and Those Who Will Be, and that that connection is so very important. So much of my year has been about seeing how my connection to people affects them, even though it has also been (for the most part) a year of cocooning and keeping myself out of much interaction with other humans, strangely enough. However, it makes sense as to see something, sometimes you need to take a step back; also I am naturally a bit of an introvert, and learn best on my own, taking time to figure out all the details.
2013 was rough, as I believe it needed to be for me. I am really looking forward to this year back with family (although missing my witch-family), friends, the country side, and a ginormous garden that I will tend to feed us through the summer and fall and canned for winter use. Gardening is something I haven’t been able to do since we moved to London, Ontario in 2008, really, and I am itching like you wouldn’t believe to get some dirt under my nails. I am seeing much magic growing in my garden this summer, cooked into our meals, and canned for remembering the sunshine in the dead of winter. I’m going to allow myself to explore things too, without much of an “end goal”, because is there ever really an ending other than death (at least of life as we know it)?
These are the things I’m seeing lit in my candles of Imbolg for the coming turn of the Wheel.
What fires are lit for your year?
What’s this? I’ve sung again? I thought I’d sing a love song, and since it’s the season of the Dead, it’s a sad one.
I thought I’d do a song before I begin NaNoWriMo on Friday. What’s NaNoWriMo? If you don’t know already, It’s National Novel Writing Month. I’ve been itching to write a story or two for some time now, and I’m feeling pushed. Writing has never been my thing, I have some pretty great ideas for stories, but I am a singer, my creativity has always come out best that way.
However, with all the hoo-haa of this year, lots of things have been changing or coming to light for me. That, and it’s a bit of a dedication to my Lady, considering what the topic is and all. I may or may not try to do something with it after I go back and edit and whatnot, but who knows!?
So if you are Wrimo-ing this year, add me as a writing buddy! I’m under the same name there, Miaerowyn.
While things have been quiet around here for a little while (for reasons), they will continue to be so during November while I furiously type away. I may or may not write about what’s been going on, I haven’t decided yet. Suffice it to say, this past year has had me deep in Shadow work. Most of the time I’m ok with the fact that I’ve been in darkness, just because I know eventually I will be able to really appreciate the happy times more, that I will be stronger, and more focused. I also know there’s a lot of learning and work in this, but that definitely does not make it any easier. I suppose after Who came to me last year, I’m not surprised everything has changed.
I’ll leave it at that for now, I’ve got a curry dinner to make. Hope all is well for you out there, this season.
Hail to those who have passed this year, Hail to the Ancestors, and Hail to the Gods!