I’ve been quiet lately, yes I have. And that doesn’t just include posting things here in my little bit of webspace. Late in August, I was hit with a very big wave of depression. It seems to come when summer comes closer to its end, like clockwork, for the last three years anyway. Before then, I believe I can say other than having the occasional blue day, I hadn’t really had much depression since I was a baby teenager.
Last year’s bout lasted until March, the year before that was a long one, but it was partially because of a something that happened to me. I was very scared of death, constantly seeing my own in every situation I would be in, and I didn’t trust myself very much. Which has kind of carried over in the subsequent years, though I am no longer very scared, just more accepting of whatever happens will happen. That I have very little control over anything that could occur to take me from this mortal life. It’s an interesting place to be, and a large part of the reason why I cocoon so much.
The other thing it has done is make it very hard for me to keep the connections to people alive and well. Although I will put the caveat that that is not totally up to one side of the equation, it’s for both to keep it thriving. However, like I said, I am very much cocooned, physically as well as socially. For a little while, the only person I could stand and actually smile with a few weeks ago was the Man. I had no patience for anyone else, without any particular reason. I would find myself being short, and not paying attention to what anyone said, and getting angry without reason when people would talk with me. I didn’t want to talk. I just wanted to be alone.
I will say that the not paying attention also has something to do with the fact that just for the past year, I’ve had quite a bit of trouble with focus and memory. The spring and summer saw an improvement to that, but it all went backward when the wave crashed in on me. All I can hear is my own thoughts, like I have no control anymore over how well I hear the things that happen outside my head. I don’t even notice it’s happening too until someone has said the bulk of what they want to talk to me about. It’s frustrating, to be sure, but in the past few weeks, after I stopped allowing myself to feel sorry for myself, I’ve been working through it, contemplating and reflecting on what’s going on for me, who I am now.
I wrote a while ago about being in a resting period from music, and it seems like I’m being forced into a resting period from trying to be everything else that I could possibly be (I’m ever changing after being so sure of what I was going to do with my life for the bulk of my years). I’m being pushed into being the Hermit, and I don’t want to squander or lengthen this opportunity to really just sit with myself and figure some stuff out, to work out some things that have been boiling under the surface.
Sometimes it felt like I was going a bit crazy. But that has only persuaded me to really pay attention to what’s going on in my head, to examine even more closely than I did before the thoughts I would have, the impulses and very reactionary without forethought sort of place I was and sometimes am in.
So I’m posting this here for myself, to place a marker for the point I am at right now. A lot has changed for me in the past few years. While I don’t really mind the depression, this is not a place I would like to stay forever. Or even for very much longer. Each day is a little better, but I know there will be times when I go right back down, and I’m just going to take that as a sign for myself to stop. To nurture myself. To be quiet. To be still. To contemplate and reflect. It seems to be a repetitive occurrence when I become blue, that shortly after I start paying attention to the thoughts that float by, really and truly listen to them, figuring my shit out, I come back out, slowly, but every so surely. I just have to listen. I just have to take the time to wade through the wounds that accumulate. I just need to let myself heal once the wounds have been cleansed.