I’ve been musing the past little while on the fact that our modern culture allows for us to be impatient jerks in everything that we pursue. Even in religion, which is something that takes a lifetime, and which can take on so many different forms for every individual. One person will not be a master of all spiritual practices, it’s just not possible. They will not be a master of all the knowledge that is bestowed upon us by Them either, our brains are much too small and self-involved to truly understand it all; and of course, our lives much too short. They can tell us all there is to know, but that does not lend to actual comprehension and wise use of said knowledge.
I am definitely not claiming that I don’t have the propensity of being impatient and thinking I deserve everything I can dream of having just because I can think of it either. I can be very selfish, and a big, whiny baby about not getting what I want. And a big problem of mine is not continuing practices when I don’t get right away what I imagine is the big reward at the end of my spiritual path (though, there really is no end, is there?). In these cases, I have to remind myself that if I got the big reward, what else would there be to keep me going?
The last six months have been quite momentous for me, mostly with inward things. I think a big part of it was something physical that happened to me shortly after Samhain, I won’t go into details, but it nevertheless took a psychological toll on me. I became a hermit for over two months, had sleepless nights, and was deathly afraid of death. I literally couldn’t go anywhere without thinking of the many ways I could die out in the world; falling on the skytrain tracks, accidentally walking out in front of traffic… I won’t continue on because I’m past it now, but still sensitive to it.
Then around Yule, things started turning around because I made myself go out and enjoy Yule with my cov-family. Things were still dark for me, and there were a few more sleepless nights afterwards, where I could only go to sleep after the sun came up.
During January/February, there were preparations for initiation, and my 102 group I was studying with had to put on an Imbolc ritual for the trad. It was fun, and I quite enjoyed coming up with a celebratory ritual with my fellow students, and now trad-mates. Then there was serious mental preparation for my initiation, which I got sick for, and the night was moved.
Since then, there’s been a lot of inward work. The happiness of being initiated as a witch, and into my fantastic coven; pondering the implications of covenhood, degrees, and that sort of thing. And lately, there’s the realization and acknowledgement that I could possibly be comprehending the knowledge that I have been cultivating. Let me just say that I realize I am just at the tip of the iceburg here, but there is progress. Progress is good.
A big flashing sign to me that there has been growth in my spiritual path is that I feel that I have been given the keys of understanding when it comes to certain information. While most things are out there in the open for all to see, it doesn’t mean that I truly understood the implications they had for me. I find that the things I read in blogs and in books I now understand and they hold meaning for me, where before, I was reading them to make myself feel like I was advanced because I was reading what others, whom I admire, (and who have probably been more dedicated to practice and research on their paths) were reading or commenting about.
There are also some other potentially huge things happening, however, I need to wade my way through them before I decide whether or not to divulge.