My wonderful private voice lesson teacher iterates almost every weekly lesson I’m with her: “We know this intellectually, but putting it to work physically is a completely different thing.”
I think this transcends all subjects, all interests, therefore, I am writing this here in my blog about my spirituality. I’m always feeling as though I should do something spiritually. I’ve read and read about rituals, spells, meditations; you could call me more of an armchair pagan than anything else, really. I do perform rituals, I have done spells, I have called upon the Gods in dire situations; however, I feel as if there is so much information, that I am always thinking: is this right? Is this exactly what I’m supposed to be doing?
I feel a frustration with myself. I should be doing what I feel is “right”, I should be working with the spirits of the land, the wood, the herb and the Gods themselves to know what is right. I should be practicing, doing little things, building upon my knowledge by my own experiences. My brain is overstimulated by information of other people’s experiences. I thirst for knowledge, constantly seek it out, however, is all that I have learned in a text based fashion good? Is it a good thing to know so much, but have limited experience? To have that nagging scholar in the background of your mind telling you this is not how so-and-so said this should be going, that’s not how they said those Gods would react, etc.
In my voice lessons, I am proud to say that since starting school in September, I have become an immensely better singer. There are so many things I have learned and put to use. Though I have been singing since I was quite young, and actually thinking about how I was singing for a tad shorter while, what I have learned from someone who has had a professional career singing classical music has been invaluable. There have been quite a few things in this semester alone that she has told me about how to execute proper singing that made sense to me thinking about it, but I haven’t been able to put to practical use until a few months later when things finally clicked.
So, spiritually, in my practice, how will I know if I don’t try. But I don’t try because I fear it will be wrong. A horrible cycle, I know. Perhaps it is time I found myself a teacher, someone I can experience things with, talk in depth about what I’ve read and experienced myself. I suppose in the end, with or without someone to guide me, doing is key. Feeling unsatisfied with my practice will only be remedied by actual practice.
Perhaps during my break from school, I should start daily practice. While I was in my living arrangement woes a month ago, scared for my animals, my things, I prayed to the Gods everyday. It came naturally, I didn’t think about whether or not it was wrong, and I felt their power surrounding me and protecting my loved ones. Now that the fear is gone, my mind has taken over once again. It’s time for a change.
How have you overcome the fears of practice?